Medford, Oregon – Most of us know that healthy sex feels good and improves our relationships while giving us a bit of pep in our step the following day. However, most women have no idea that good sex actually releases hormones that improve how our entire body works. Sign me up!
Stress is a major cause of a lousy sex drive. Excessive stress puts strain on our adrenals, making us feel exhausted and not interested in adding one more thing to the never-ending daily “task-list.” (And sex really does feel like a “task” when you’re stressed.) This unfair, vicious cycle of high stress, fatigue, and infrequent sex robs us of cashing in on all of the proven stress-busting benefits of good sex.
Bottom line: Busy women like us need support from our loved ones. We need to be nourished outside of our daily grind, and that includes sexually. Having a partner who takes more than they give is not only unhealthy, it’s the last thing you need with an over-committed life. I realize you may know all of this already, god knows analyzing relationships is just about the only thing magazines cover these days, but still I want to just skim over it in case you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios. If you do, I recommend using this list as a way to recognize possible pitfalls of a bad sex life so that you can then begin addressing them one by one.
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Your partner has an orgasm every time, and you rarely or never have one. Are one or both of you under the impression that sex is all about their orgasm and not yours? Remember all of the things I have already shared with you on the benefits of good healthy sex…you need to get your fair share of the benefit!
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Your partner informs you that if you can’t orgasm in 5-10 minutes there must be something wrong with you (the average female takes 20-30 minutes to achieve an orgasm and that time may increase as you age.) The good stuff takes time.
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Sex ends when they have an orgasm. Don’t accept this. Sex should end when both parties are satisfied.
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Your partner doesn’t realize that sex starts in the kitchen with communication and help. There should be some communication like, “How was your day or “How are you doing?” Plus, your partner should help you in the evening so you are not run ragged by the time you throw yourself into bed.
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He is too rough during sex and has no idea where your clitoris is or how to manage it. The clitoris is highly sensitive and has thousands of nerve endings that cannot be overrode. Rough management of the clitoris can even reduce the overall sensation and create a numbing effect. Very light touching and intermittent changes in the amount of touch have shown to significantly increase a woman’s sexual sensation and orgasm potential.
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Kissing and cuddling is not part of the sexual encounter before or after. Women still need romance, and this is a huge turn-on for women that people (men especially) often forget about or simply never do. Kissing is also important because it kick-starts multiple mechanisms in the brain, releasing chemicals that lower stress and help a woman relax.
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Your partner keeps asking you to do sexual favors or acts that you have communicated clearly you are either not into, or do not feel good about. This is not okay and will severely hurt your relationship if it continues.
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Your partner watches TV or relaxes while you run around like you got your head cut off, cramming in every minute of the evening, taking care of the house, kids, etc. I honestly don’t think there is any bigger of a turn-off than this! Enough said. These men need to be trained!
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Credit: Image by Oleksandr Pyrohov from Pixabay
Fast Track to Better Sex
What follows is a plan to quickly get your libido burning and reignite a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
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Trouble achieving orgasm might be hormonal. First and foremost, if you have a healthy relationship with your mate, and your sex drive is still rock bottom, get your hormones tested immediately.
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Think about sex. Let the anticipation build throughout the day. Regain the longing you had when you were dating or when you first married. Make it a point to touch your partner often, brushing up against him or her with a little extra oomph. Try sexting and talking about sex more often with your partner. In the morning, communicate about how excited you are for your time together that night. Express love and appreciation for each other. Give signals that you are going to do something “new.” If you don’t feel like it, do it anyway. You can change your mind by changing your behavior. Focus on the benefits. The rewards will be worth every effort you put into it. Remember, a lot of sexual drive is mental.
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Add sex drive supplementation – L-Arginine at a higher dose (5,000 mg) is not only effective for erectile problems but also very useful for helping women have more efficient orgasms.
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Get out of bed. A change in scenery is one of the best ways to keep a sense of novelty in your sex life. Make it comfortable for you or just encourage playing around before going to bed exhausted!
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Take a bath, read or watch something sexy on TV to relax your mind. You can even take or use something to relax, whether that be lavender, CBD oil, GABA, or anything that will help turn off your brain. Your brain must be disengaged to have good sex. So stop thinking about the laundry, or the meeting you have at work tomorrow. Turn it off.
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Consider using another form of birth control if needed. I typically give my patients natural progesterone and testosterone when they use the hormone birth control methods, as they all cause testosterone and progesterone to drop off, leaving you feeling depressed and with little or no sex drive, and can also compromise the frequency and intensity of orgasms. While I still prescribe birth control, I pay attention to the hormone levels of my patients when taking them. This helps alleviate the unnecessary marital problems that stem from a drop in libido.
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Make eye contact – focus on making eye contact with your partner (not staring of course) but this can transfer sexual energy to each other and for men it is a major turn-on!
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Sleep, baby, sleep! More/better sleep leads to more/better sex.
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Check your medications. Low sex drive is a common side effect of birth control pills, antidepressants, tranquilizers, high blood pressure pills, and other medications. Diabetes, and the medications to treat it, can also reduce sexual function.
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Consider replaying some of the things you did when you first got together with your partner. Keep your clothes on longer, take a piece off at a time, and above all, take your time. It heightens the oxytocin levels to drag out the anticipation a little more. Teach your partner to wait. Consider not waiting to get into bed for anything to happen, the “need you now” urgency will make your session more hot!
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Send a sexy or suggestive message throughout the day. Keeping your thoughts on sex will pay off that night. This is really more for the sake of better sex for women, as women need to be focused on sex throughout the day more than men to achieve a heightened sex drive.
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Consider a massage. Get the oil out and have your partner rub the areas on your body that are most sensual to you. Lower back, inner thighs, outer breasts, whatever feels good. Tell your partner you will be more interested in sex if you are massaged first. (This will help you relax and get you unwound from the day.)
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Love your naked body. Truly one of the downers for sexual satisfaction is a woman not loving her body. Seeing yourself as strong and sexy is important in order to have satisfying sex. There are numerous ways to get your self-love back on track and improve the way you feel about yourself. If you are feeling ugly, unhealthy, unattractive, and weak, then it’s time for some self-work. Ironically, the most powerful, successful, amazing women I have ever met tend to hate their bodies. We need to think enough about ourselves to change this. Plus, when we like ourselves, it makes us more attractive to others.
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Try a new position. Many couples get into certain habits in the bedroom that they know makes their partner happy. Consider instead trying new things that will keep the excitement and anticipation elevated.
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The lips are packed with nerve endings, 100 times more powerful than the fingertips. So please kiss, kiss, kiss – it really makes sex more powerful!
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Try some orgasm cream. I have long prescribed a cream in my office that is a combination of Viagra, aminophylline, and L-Arginine. This is applied to the clitoral and vaginal opening to dilate the blood vessels, bring in more blood flow, and violá… a great orgasm. It’s a simple approach that just helps fire things up more!
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Communicate with your partner. You need to tell them what you need, what you like, and what you don’t like. Men are simple creatures, and they usually just want to please you, so tell them how you feel and what you need.
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Last and certainly not least: Please put away your cell phones, computers, and any other work-related items at least an hour before bed to mentally prepare yourself for good sex. Remember, screen/work time before bed can stress you out, but women need maximum relaxation and no anxiety to have good orgasms, and this just gets trickier the older you get. So get out of your head and start winding down early if you want to have fulfilling sex. Just remember “head off and clitoris on!”
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Credit: Image by Jess Foami from Pixabay - In summary, sexual satisfaction plays a big role in women’s success, whether you’re with someone you love or taking matters into your own hands, you need to be sexually satisfied regularly in order to be at your best. This outlet is necessary for driven women, and we need to acknowledge how much all of our relationships are improved because of it. Our bodies are built for this, and women should be proud of the fact that we have this special “reset” button at our disposal.
Nisha Jackson
Nisha Jackson PhD is a nationally-recognized hormone expert and gynecology health specialist. She is renowned as a lecturer, motivational speaker, radio host, columnist, and author of “The Hormone Survival Guide for Perimenopause: Balance Your Hormones Naturally” and “Surviving the Teenage Hormone Takeover: A Guide for Moms.”